So, Stephanie and I watched the emmys ‘together’ last night. I use the quotes because we actually live 12 hours apart, and haven’t laid eyes on eachother in real life in 3 years. If we were friends at any other period in history we would have had to work a lot harder to keep our connection. It probably would have required spending hours using feather quills by candle light or something, then sending our letters by homing pigeon or pony express. By the time my letters about emmy fashion made it to Steph it would have been Oscar season. That so wouldn’t have worked.
Luckily we have the benefit of living in the 21st century with text messages, emails, facebook, twitter, instant messaging and that old stand-by, the telephone. Thank God, because we are so lazy.
Anyway, the point is, we watched the emmys and have spent the day wondering how we would present to you our faves and our, um, not so faves.
The first key was to decide what we loved and didn’t love. So, we sent each other a list – love these/hate these – Simple right? Should have been. Except it turns out some of my bests were her worsts and vice versa! Can you believe it? What a jerk she is.
So, an instant messaging fashion-opinion brawl ensued. We thought letting you read our private screaming fight about Kate Winslet, Kristen Wiig et. al. would probably be the best and most embarrassing way to present to you our take on emmy fashions.
Stephanie says: my best dressed were: Sophia Vergara, Elisabeth Moss, Martha Plimpton, Christine Baranski, Kirsten Wiig
Stephanie says: what were yours?
Irene says: Amy Poehler, Kate Winslet, Claire Danes, Cat Deeley and Christina Hendricks
Stephanie says: okay, want to hear my worst dressed?
Stephanie says: Christina Hendricks, Gwenyth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Olivia Munn, Julia Stiles
Irene says: Worst – Heidi Klum, Taraji P Henson, Jenna Ushkowitz, Gwyneth Paltrow and Padma Lakshmi
Stephanie says: interesting! two of my WORST dressed are two of your BEST
AND SO IT BEGAN
Part 1: Where in we discuss the physics of breasts and debate the value of GOOP
Stephanie says: I did put Julia on my worst, because while I really liked the dress – loved the draping, the colour, the pleats – I thought it made her chest look quite…wonky
Stephanie says: It did her no favours. She looked both small and droopy.
Irene says: haha small and droopy is hard to achieve. i think physics says you actually cant be both. Julia Stiles’ boobies defy science!
Stephanie says: i think its the fault of the dress – not poor Julia
Stephanie says: We both have Gwyneth Paltrow as worst
Irene says: yeah, you know why we both have her? cuz that shit is ugly
Stephanie says: agreed! wtf!?
Irene says: there is literally nothing nice i can say about it.
Stephanie says: nope
Irene says: wait. i dont hate black. there i made lemonade
Stephanie says: i am not generally a fan of Gwyneth’s style (even though I do enjoy GOOP), but this was just awful. Nothing redeeming about it.
Irene says: do you enjoy goop because of all the things she suggest you buy that you can totally afford?
Stephanie says: Sometimes she has really nice recipes and interesting lifestyle advice
Irene says: because thats why i love it…all the wide ranging price points! from mere single thousands too tens of thousands. haha
Stephanie says: hahahaha – yes, there is some eye rolling sometimes
Irene says: ive only looked at it a few times, i shouldnt judge.
Stephanie says: confession: i subscribe to it through email
Stephanie says: ANYWAY!
Irene says: Sooo, based on your GOOP subscription we’re not friends for 5 minutes. meet back here then.
Part 2: Wherein we learn that Steph is completely out of her mind. Or maybe it’s Irene. You decide!
Irene says: HOLD THE PHONE. you have kate winslet as worst? are you out of your mind?
Stephanie says: no i’m not crazy!! i didn’t think the dress was flattering. and i thought it was boring!
Irene says: maybe it was a bit safe, but its not her fault red was so trendy…did you see her boobs!? They looked amazing.
Stephanie says: it was way too tight! and it was just like, yawn
Irene says: i thought it was SO FLATTERING youre nuts!
Stephanie says: i thought it was TOOO tight
Irene says: nuts!
Stephanie says: she looked like she couldn’t breathe!
Irene says: didn’t you see her jumping up and down when guy pierce won? she could breathe! and be totally cute!
Irene says: maybe jumping/cuteness abilities don’t have a lot to do with the DRESS…but still.
Irene says: She’s Rose DeWitt Bukater-Dawson. You cant not love her.
Irene says: you know how i sometimes decide if i love something?
Stephanie says: pray tell!
Irene says: I say to myself, I say, Irene if you were going to a wedding or other swanky type event that your ex boyfriend was going to be at would you covet that outfit? If I say yes then it’s a winner. Kate’s dress would be THE dress I would wear given last nights
choices. So there. Argument done.
Stephanie says: I agree with that thinking, but for Kate’s dress I would hack off the bottom so it was knee length AND i would go up a size
Part 3: Wherein Steph maybe changes Irene’s mind about Christina Hendricks
Stephanie says: YOU have Christina Hendricks on your best dressed list. She is totally on my worst.
Irene says: To be honest the more i look at it the more i think maybe its not best.
Irene says: I just like that she’s like ‘lookit here people, i really do have boobs and hips and things, and not in the pretend way other
‘curvy’ celebrities do, and imma still rock the shit out of this dress.’
Stephanie says: for me, this is a big no. its not even the fit with her boobs that I have an issue with. I don’t like the colour, and I
don’t like the beading on her stomach. I think both of those things combine to make her look larger than she is. I’m pretty sure that shes a tiny, but curvy lady, but I think its a size too small.
Stephanie says: I think without the giant stomach applique, and in a darker colour this would have been a winner
Irene says: maybe the problem is i just want to be Joan Holloway, and m projecting those emotions onto Christina? So, you know what, you win.
Part 4: Wherein we discuss Sea Life and Irene discovers Olivia Munn attended the Emmys
Stephanie says: Heidi Klum: i didn’t put her on my worst-dressed list
Irene says: I tweeted that she looked like a sea creature and I stand by that.
Stephanie says: i 100% agree. Heidi, what the hell!?and i love sea creatures
Irene says: she looks like some kind of coral or sponge. i dont mean that to offend the sea creatures, but its not a good look for the
Stephanie says: no…it was very ‘under the sea’ without the fun percussion session
Irene says: that being said, she’s Heidi Klum. So. She can pretty much do what she wants.
Irene says: You have Olivia Munn as worst and since I couldn’t even tell you what she wore, or if she really attended, I’ll agree.
Stephanie says: She was there! And was wearing a boring green stripey sack with like baggy peices
Stephanie says: the colour was beautiful, but the dress its self did NOTHING for her
Irene says: Oh, well then, I take it all back. Horrid green sack dresses are my fave
Part 5: Wherein we discuss the rest of the worst – Padma Lakshmi, Jenna Urshkowiz, and Taraji P. Henson
Irene says: OMG Padma.
Irene says: shes so incredibly hot and that dress was, to quote Andre Leon Talley, complete DRECKITUDE.
Stephanie says: it was indeed dreck. i did really love the colour on her though. very pretty.
Irene says: like, i cant imagine a world in which one would see that dress and think yes, i want the one with the weird front seam and chiffon wrapped boobies.
Irene says: Jenna’s dress actually reminds me of a worse version of my prom dress from 2001. I don’t think thats a ringing endorsement.
Irene says: please note that I still have/love that dress
Stephanie says: and Taraji – just terrible. its like sheer and baggy and there is a weird pattern
Irene says: It might be worse than Padmas.
Stephanie says: i think it is!
Irene says: and spaghetti straps, which i know people wear, but i always hate them. ALWAYS. I think its completely rational
Part 6: Wherein Stephanie threatens physical violence
Irene says: Ok, I want to harass you about Kristen Wiig. BEST DRESS?
Stephanie says: yes!! it was beautiful
Stephanie says: all bronze and flowing
Irene says: I’ll admit that the pic I’m looking at now makes it look less awful. but still meh
Irene says: its kind of the colour of poo. yeah, i said it. its poo coloured
Stephanie says: haha!
Irene says: it also matches her hair perfectly, which is weird…I guess i just implied her hair is the colour of poo? I don’t actually think her hair is poo coloured. Her hair, while totally meh, is the best part.
Stephanie says: if you were within 3 feet of me, a slap fight would commence
Stephanie says: MY HAIR IS THAT COLOUR, BITCH!
As for all the stars we named as our best dressed – congratulations! You looked amazing! We loved your dresses – keep up the good work!
Feel free to tell us that we’re nuts in the comments. We’d also like to know what you thought about the fashions, so let the slap fight commence!