Jersey Style: A Tutorial

Listen, I don’t think I should have to explain myself or feel ashamed, and you all certainly shouldn’t be shocked. We’ve known each other long enough now. You read the Tweets. You know I love me some awful reality television. What else is a girl to do on Sunday afternoons while cuddling her dog, but watch whatever marathon of horrors happens to be on MTV or Slice?*

There are a few reality show sure bets that have resulted in some (maybe awful) trends.

Singing Competitions – American Idol, The X-Factor, The Voice, et. al.

Terrible Parenting Decisions – Dance Moms, Little Miss Perfect, Toddlers and Tiaras, et. al

Dancing – So You Think You Can Dance, America’s Best Dance Crew, Dancing with the Stars, et. al.

Anyone of these would make for a great sequin-ed leotard-ed GGF treatment.

Today though, I’m feeling in the mood for some leopard print, crystal encrusted sunglasses, and anything in the understated shades of neon.

Today we pay homage to the ladies of New Jersey, be they of the Shore, -licious or Housewife variety.

Jerse-tastic

The steps to dressing like you belong among these ladies are quite simple. If it’s too tight, animal printed and in a shade that just about makes your eyes bleed then it’s perfect. Add impossibly high heels or thigh high boots and your favourite hoop earrings and you’re done!

For your hair you have two options. First is the Sammi Special, flat iron it into limp yet glossy submission. The second option is a little more labour intensive but more popular. First tease it until it looks like you stuck your head in a blender, then spray, tease again for good measure.

What about my nails, you ask? French manicure or something in a neon that contrasts with your outfit. Make sure they’re good and long. You’ll look cheap as hell, and that’s the point.

Housewife Edition

To transition this look into the more mature style of a Housewife there are a few simple steps. Definitely keep the animal prints, it will keep you feeling connected to your younger self. Plus, there are actually some cute animal prited options. I’m not completely anti-animal print!

You’ll have to lengthen your hemline a little, you’re married now, potentially to someone with questionable business practices, so you have to be classy. Exchange the mini skirts for plunging necklines with lots of embellishments like furry necklines and ruffles.

Replace neon with it’s more glamourous cousins – saturated jewel tones and metallics.

Shoes and accessories are bold and kick ass. You must also have a giant blinding engagement ring. The housewife look is bold and unapologetic like the previous look. However, where the younger generation is playful and purposefully skimpy, this look is slightly serious and luxurious.

*That is a rhetorical question. I do not need suggestions. I’m fully aware I could be spending my time more wisely. More actively. Let me live in my bubble of lazy reality TV bliss.

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