Can we finish these cookies so I can get back to being an insecure idiot?

It might already be a cliche to say this, but this season of the bachelorette is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoops, I feel asleep just thinking about it. Seriously. Shit is boring.

Emily is without a doubt seriously beautiful. Her clothes this episode were amazing. The dress she wore to destroy Joe’s life is probably my favourite thing I’ve seen on this show ever (that’s it, right up there). She seems very sweet and lovely. However, and I’m sure she’s got a lot of family, friends and fans who will fight me for saying this this, but what she lacks in personality she makes up for in sequins. And there are a lot of sequins.

The only thing more boring than the Bachelorette herself are all her male suitors. It’s like ABC has worked it’s way through every last single man who is interesting/has a personality/sense of humour. Or at the very least all the ones who are willing to become dating show contestants.

Some of her most memorable options include Ryan. He of the “Can we be done with the cookies so I can get back to being a man?” and “I like to play cat and mouse” fame. Misogyny, ftw? Puke.

Then there was Kalon. The dude who just bought everything at Ralph Lauren and called it a day (The Golden Gals love RL by the bye, but looking like you literally stepped out of a catalogue isn’t actually a good look). Kalon actually told another contestant that if he were him he wouldn’t like himself either. This means one of two things is true. Kalon thinks he is SO AMAZING that he immediately fills all other humans who are forced to be around him with a jealousy that can only be assuaged with fiery hate. Or he’s aware of what a complete dick he is, and would, if he were another person, hate his own smarmy guts. Pretty neat, right? Emily thought so, Kalon got the first rose. Puke squared.

The Bachelor franchise really should be a home run. It’s beautiful people, its romantic locations, it’s catty back handed behaviour and, fingers crossed, there’s the potential for suggestive closed doors and dark spaces with the sounds of people mashing themselves together. It is exactly what we all want from reality television. And yet, ABC had to work in 10 minutes of Muppets. MUPPETS. To be honest, even Kermit and Piggy aren’t saving this season. Maybe if they let Statler and Waldorf narrate the cocktail parties?


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