Serious Questions Ahead

Hey, you guys. Do you like booze? I like to drink booze. Not in an unhealthy-life-wrecking-seek-treatment sort of way. But, sometimes, on a weekend say, I like to have a glass of wine at dinner. Or maybe a beer. Or once in a while when I’m out with a group I’ll drink some clear booze in some other clear liquid (gin and tonic, ftw)* It does happen from time to time though that I do all of these things and more, in the course of a 6-8 hour period and then shit gets wild. This happened to me recently. I drank a bunch of wine and then a bunch of martini’s in about 4 hours. Drinking a bunch of wine or a bunch of martini’s is very clearly never a good idea. Certainly no sane person would do both at once. What I’m saying is that on this night I was not sane.

Long story short (because who needs/wants to hear the details of a fight I can’t really remember in the first place) I got in a fight with my boyfriend. The kind where you yell all the things. In front of people. The kind where he is not drunk at all and you are an unstoppable capricious monster-person. I said things I did not and do not mean. I said them to make him feel bad, knowing that they would. I said them because in my mind he was being mean to me. I couldn’t even do him the favour of prolonging the verbal fight into the car to help him stay awake. We drove home in steely silence. He had been up for literally 36 hours. When we got home I slammed all the doors. And I don’t mean this in the hyperbolic “do all the things” way. I slammed doors. I slammed them hard. I am an asshole, is the point.

The good news here is we got up the next day and spent only a few hours in that awkwardly quite “I think I still hate you” purgatory. Then we went to lunch and talked. We talked about the shitty things I said. We talked about how to avoid this in the future. We talked about apologies. Finally, we discussed how I shouldn’t slam doors because it’s childish and also it scares the dog. Now next time someone drinks too much (It’ll totally be him. We are reasonable and take turns. Three cheers for adult relationships!) we can maybe avoid this type of blow-out, or at the very least we know that we’ll be able to talk about it and move on.

I’ve been staring at this blinky cursor for about 10 minutes now hoping for a clever segue. It turns out segues are over rated; you just keep reading because I said so.

Last weekend was my boyfriend’s birthday. We hit the town with some friends and a few of his co-workers showed up with their girlfriends as well. One such couple proceeded to both get black out drunk, scream and cry in the street, run away from each other, and perhaps worst of all they ruined everyone else’s 3am chinese food by giving each other the evil eye and making barbed under their breath (but not really, because booze) comments across the table. There were such classics as; telling each other that this relationship was ‘so over’ and ‘you treat me like shit’ and the perennial reality tv favourite ‘I’m done.’ What I didn’t hear, and still don’t know the answer to is what in the ever loving hell these two were fighting about. There were some guesses; Mike** was flirting with another girl (of course), Nikki was being too chummy with some of the co-workers (sure she was), they’ve both been on the brink of ending this relationship for months and we’re all just lucky enough to be witnessing the most recent blow-out (lucky for us), and finally my personal favourite, these two do this every weekend and literally no one has any idea why.

So here are my boozey relationship related questions:

Ultimately, what are the limitations of the phrase ‘I was drunk’ as an apology or a request for being allowed to get away with something?

If you say something, something that implies you’re ending your relationship, how does one deal with that in the light of day? Would the person who is purportedly being dumped by their drunk partner be silly to take it seriously?

Even if you are able to have a grown up conversation about your idiocy when intoxicated will that change your drunken behaviour? How many times can you apologize for the same thing before it becomes meaningless?

How many times can you have the same or similar drunk brawls before it’s clear you’re both ridiculous individuals who cannot drink together?

Why can’t drunk people ever fight about something. Why do our drunken fights always boil down to basically name calling and dramatic proclamations?

*As an aside, did you know that it is actually club soda that has no calories and tonic water is full of them? I mean what in the world? Soda has calories. Tons of them. This is one of the inalienable truth by which I have lived my life.  Water is water, damnit. The purifying essence of life! Stop tricking me!

**Double aside. Mike told me to ‘fuck a hat’ when I suggested driving home was a bad idea. I would have been offended if I wasn’t laughing so hard/busy stealing that phrase.


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